Merry Christmas!

Just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year! I'll have my New Year's post up soon to share what's upcoming for the blog and my writing for 2016.

In the meantime have a holiday hedgehog.

Twilight: Life or Death Review of Snark

So here we are. The review. Back when Twilight was a thing, I decided to martyr myself and read it for the sake of being able to completely state my opinion of it without being accused of not reading it. And now, for some stupid reason, I decided to read this one too, because I can’t help my curiosity. Not because I thought it was going to be better, mind, but just to see how much worse it would be. And boy, was it worse. Meet Beau, aka Male Bella. Stephanie states that 5% of the changes she made to his book was because Beau was a boy. Well, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that just wasn’t enough. He is pretty much the same as Bella except with a few clumsy attempts from Stephanie to ‘butch him up’ which fell so flat they had no hope of being scraped off the ground. Things like talking about “Man Codes” like about not taking the girl your bro wants. Ha, “Man” Codes.



He’s just as much a clutz as Bella was, so much so that Edythe protects him just as much as Edward did, and it’s just wrong when it’s from a female perspective. I haven’t even read feminist based books that were this lame. This manages to escalate into piggyback rides that makes Beau toss his cookies.

(I couldn’t find a gif for this one, so I had to draw my own)

 

At least there was no “Hang on tight spider monkey” scene. Although I would have loved to see Edythe haul him up a tree like Jane of the Jungle. And the kissing scenes; tedious in the original, but now just creepy because Edythe takes point and won’t let him kiss her back because it’s “dangerous”.

 

 And when they’re running from bad vamps, he can’t even do his own seatbelt up in the big bad Jeep.

 

He doesn’t eat, like at all except when he makes food for Charlie. I have two brothers so I know for a fact that teen guys eat and eat and eat. I have never known a teenage boy who won’t eat at least four square meals a day and Beau is never hungry at school so he gets a lemonade. Not a soda, a lemonade. Now I’m not saying lemonade is a girly drink but guys don’t drink it unless it’s their grandma’s or their elderly neighbor’s that’s served with cookies. Not in the school cafeteria where your bros can see.

 

 So so far we have determined that he’s a clutz, he doesn’t eat, he’s a whipped, hen-pecked man, (and I use the term 'man' only biologically) and he eats like a nervous teenage girl. Oh yeah, and he’s always blushing like a girl too. Guys can blush, yeah, but not all the time, not like Bella. I was embarrassed for him. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget the fact that he pooled winter clothes with his mom before leaving Arazona.

  (pg 5) My mom and I had pooled our resources to supplement my winter wardrobe, but it still wasn’t much.




And he apologizes just way too much for anyone who is not Tom Hiddleston. So that’s enough about the despicably mediocre Beau, let’s introduce the gender swapped vamp fam.

Edythe, first of all is kind of just like Edward, but she’s a girl so it’s creepier. Talk about cougar on the prowl. Now at least it makes sense that she likes to hunt wildcats so much… And the whole “Stay away from me I’m bad news”/ “I’m tired of avoiding you, Beau”/ “But seriously….” Thing was just as annoying and made just as little sense as in the original. Talk about whip lash. But I will admit it kind of makes more sense with her being a female. Because, let’s face it, girls just are more wishy-washy. It’s the truth.

I will say that a Volvo was more of a chick car, but I love how Stephanie is laboring under the assumption that a Volvo is a cool car just because they’re expensive. I’m not even going to go there right now, because that’s a whole other conversation in itself.

 

And another thing against Beau is that he’s not a car guy, and yeah, not all guys are car guys, but it’s kind of built into the male psyche that they at least like the look of a certain car. But Beau doesn’t care, I mean, he was right that the BMW that one of the other vamps had wasn’t a cool car *cough-golfercar-cough* but he didn’t care about it at all. Anyway, rant over.

Back to business. The vamp fam. Everyone is gender swapped. Except Charlie and Beau’s mom, which I’m at least glad about, that would have made it so much worse. And so Carlyle is a woman. I can’t remember their dumb non-mainstream names, so I’ll call her Vamp Mom. Vamp Dad was just as soft and sensitive as Beau and it was just as painful, almost in an effeminate way. Creepy. And then you had Male Alice, Jesa-something, Amazon Girl and ManBun. They were essentially the same as they were before but with unneeded gender swapping. Boring, and with even weirder names than before.

And then there’s the female werewolves. First off, let me just say that Native American tribes are not matriarchal so this is just really stupid, and in this story literally had even less of a point as in the original. (More on that and the ‘alternate ending’ later)

There is really no end to the lameness that this book gave the world. One thing that comes to mind is the fact that Beau actually thought Edythe regretted saving him from getting crushed by his soon to be creepy stalker “girlfriend” who nearly ran him over in a van. How insecure was he? I mean normal people don’t usually regret saving anyone’s life unless they are a psychopath. Or unless you are me and you could have ended this thing before it started.

 

RIP Beau and Bella Swan. Oh yeah, and the infamous “mugging” scene from the original where Bella was nearly attacked and Edward came to save her but didn’t for some reason want to eat those scum. Well, let me explain this. In the beginning of the book, when Beau is at the airport, he literally runs into someone with his suitcase and that person looked a little upset. Bet you thought that was just a way to show how clumsy he was, right? Wrong. They were so upset that the followed him to town months later and decided they were going to kill him. Top hole plotting Stephanie. And here I was expecting a bunch of rabid hookers coming to attack him.

 

Edythe is just as controlling as Edward was but it’s creepy as a woman. Women do not make men eat or take care of themselves unless they are their mother. In fact, she acted way too much like Beau’s mother and I hope I don’t need to explain why this is not okay.

Now, I feel I should share with you some of the highlights of this delightful literary masterpiece: (The brilliant conversation that takes place after the “attack” scene)

 (pg. 121-122) Unwillingly, I pulled my hand from hers. It felt like I’d been holding a handful of ice cubes.
 “Better?” I asked.
 She took a deep breath. “Not really.”
 “What is it, Edythe? What’s wrong?”
 She almost smiled, but there was no humor in her eyes. “This may come as a surprise to you, Beau, but I have a little bit of a temper. Sometimes it’s hard for me to forgive easily when someone…offends me.” 
“Did I—“ 
 “Stop, Beau,” she said before I could even get the second word fully out. “I’m not talking about you.” (…)”Do you realize they were actually going to kill you?”
 “Yeah, I kinda figured they were going to try.”
 “It’s completely ridiculous!” (…something about no one gets murder in Port Angeles…)”Why does everything deadly come looking for you?”
 I blinked. “I…I have no answer for that.” (…)
 “So I’m not allowed to go teach those thugs a lesson in manners?”
 “Um, no. Please?”

Okay, Batman, sorry they tried something in your city. Seriously, there are so many parts in this book that don’t make sense. No one ever said she wasn’t allowed to teach them manners, I think Stephanie just put random dialogue in that has no connection.

 

This is another favorite when, after the attck, Edythe makes Beau eat something to stave off shock and won’t allow him to pay for it even though she didn’t order anything.

  (pg 135) “Try not to get caught up in antiquated gender roles.”

As I said before this book even goes beyond feminist.

And let’s not forget Edythe’s budding serial killer/stalker confession when she plays her special song on the piano for Beau.

(pg. 256) “I thought of this one,” she said softly, “while I watched you sleeping. It’s your song.” The song turned even softer and sweeter. I couldn’t speak.



Yeah, I’m pretty speechless myself.

And then this gem where the vamp whooping up on Beau gets a little creepier than necessary.

 pg. 347) “It doesn’t want to scream,” she said in a funny little singsong voice. “Should we make it scream?”

 Yes, Precious, we should.

 

So about the end. It was actually a surprise, there is an alternate ending to this, did you know? Because Beau can’t get pregnant and die in childbirth so why should Edythe have to turn him? Well, because the mean vampire bit his little finger and he was too broken (even though he wasn’t any more broken than Bella) but apparently Edythe didn’t think she would be able to stop drinking Beau like a juice bag so she just decided to turn him instead. And then they all lived in mediocrity together, the end.

   

 Fun times. Well, I guess I did scrape up a couple pros to this one:

 The shopping scene was much shorter with guys just buying corsages instead of prom dresses.

 And so in conclusion: Should you read this book?

 

 Do I recommend it?



Conclusion:



 

 I think I spent more time picking gifs for this review than Stephanie did writing it. R. I. Pieces Twilight. Let's not do this again for the 20th anniversary.

Blog Tour Stop: SILLY FEELING by Willowy Whisper

Silly Feeling by Willowy Whisper

Church camp is one week. Five days. What could possibly go wrong? Nothing. She's just being silly...

But Hannah can't rid the feeling, and as the week unfolds, she wonders if perhaps it's not such a silly feeling after all.

Author Interview

What made you get into writing? When did you realize you were a writer?

I first discovered my passion for writing when I was twelve. I was standing in the kitchen with my mother, and she told me that my cousin had started writing a novel. “I think I'll do that,” I had said to her. She got me started with a plot, and helped me with some names, but she never really thought it would go anywhere. She was wrong. 

How did you come up with ideas for your stories?

It's hard to say, really. My mother has helped brainstorm plots for a few of my novels, but basically I think them up as I go. I'm not sure where it all comes from, but I usually just start with a slight idea and a charming character, and my story unfolds. 

Who’s your favorite character in your book and why?

Probably Hannah. She is so much like me, in so many ways. Thank goodness I'm not as unlucky as she was. :)

What are some of your favorite books and authors? What inspires you?

I have so many favorite books that it would absolutely take a thousand years to list them. Probably some of my favorites are The Hawk and the Jewel, Loving Libby, and The Cape Refuge Series. My favorite authors are Lori Wick and Terri Blackstock, hands down. 

What’s your next writing project (If you don’t mind sharing)?

I'm currently finishing The Letter (book 2 in The Hills of Innocence Trilogy) so my next novel will be the third book in that series. I have the general plot, but I haven't really worked out the details yet. 

What is your favorite part of writing?

There's something so beautiful about having a story to tell—about having the sweet power to create and do anything you want, anywhere you want. About pouring your heart into words, creating a cover, then watching other people fuss and worry over your characters. It's a sweet feeling. A beautiful feeling. It's a feeling, in all other words, that can never be matched. 

What advice would you give to aspiring writers?

Read and write. If you don't give it your all, you give it nothing at all. So many people set out with the goal to be a “writer”, but very few succeed, because very few are willing to sacrifice for their dream. If you truly want to be a writer—if you truly want to see your book in a store—if you truly want to get published, then you'll do whatever it takes, and that is WRITING. Writing all the time. I mean, ALL THE TIME. It can't be a hobby. It must be a passion. What would seem like a sacrifice to others, will come just as natural to you as taking a breath of air. If you really have a dream, you'll pursue it—and no one will have to tell you to. 

Links

Willowy Whisper's Blog: willowywhisper.com

Purchase Link for Silly Feeling

Review: SUN AND MOON, ICE AND SNOW by Jessica Day George

Title/ Author: Sun and Moon, Ice and Snow by Jessica Day George
Genre: YA, fairy tale retelling
Rating: 5/5 stars
Synopsis:Blessed--or cursed--with an ability to understand animals, the Lass (as she's known to her family) has always been an oddball. And when an isbjorn (polar bear) seeks her out, and promises that her family will become rich if only the Lass will accompany him to his castle, she doesn't hesitate. But the bear is not what he seems, nor is his castle, which is made of ice and inhabited by a silent staff of servents. Only a grueling journey on the backs of the four winds will reveal the truth: the bear is really a prince who's been enchanted by a troll queen, and the Lass must come up with a way to free him before he's forced to marry a troll princess.

Review:

Thoughts on the Overall Book: I've never not liked one of Jessica Day Geroge's books and this one has turned into a new favorite. It was just lovely in every way her stories usually are and was a very enjoyable read.

Cover--Yea or Nay: I do like the cover, it's not bad, but it's not super interesting either nor does it look like the girl. I think it should have the ice palace instead.

Characters: The Lass, as she is named (or not named really) is a lovely character, and very typical to Jessica's heroines. They are always heroic when they need to be, but never have an attitude and and very kind and quietly strong. I personally like when the reader never knows the name of the character; it's an interesting ploy, and where I can see how some people might find it annoying, I think it's oddly poetic. Especially in fairy tale like books. I guess it wouldn't work for everything. I also always love Jessica's heroes. And I LOVED the Lass's older brother Hans Peter. He was a tortured character done right, and I just loved his obvious love for his little sister, pretty much being the only one who paid her attention. Her mother and father weren't terrible, in fact, I liked her father, he was just busy, but her mother was always wanting more and ill contented and stuck up on one of their other brothers who was really a jerk. And then of course, I loved the Bear (Asher, as we find out his name is) I loved the slight Beauty and the Beast feel to this story, and while not as angry as the Beast, he was still another tormented, slightly brooding hero who was done right and not all annoying and lame. The trolls were gross and fun to hate, and of course I loved The Lass's pet wolf Rollo. He was adorable :) In short, a typically lovely cast!

The Romance: Very sweet and subtle as Jessica's books are wont to have. Not only did we get to see the Lass's romantic plot line but I also liked the one for her brother too.

Writing Style: As always, Jessica Day George gives us a fantastic retelling with such lovely writing that pulls the reader immediately into the story and the plight of the characters. I have always instantly fallen in love with her characters because she has such an easy and human way of describing them. And the language always sounds so much like traditional fairy tales too, like something you can easily read aloud. I'm not as familiar with this story as others but it seems like a good rendition of it, and I loved it very much.

Accuracy/ Believability: Not applicable.

Problems/What bothered me: Nothing to report!

Conclusion: 5/5 stars. I always enjoy reading her books and I really hope she writes more retellings because they are always so good!

Recommended Audience: Girl read ages 13 and up. If you like retellings, definitely give this one a try!

Review: I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER by Dan Wells

Title/ Author: I Am Not a Serial Killer (John Cleaver #1) by Dan Wells
Genre: Thriller, mystery, Supernatural,
Rating: 4/5 stars
Synopsis:John Wayne Cleaver is dangerous, and he knows it.

He's spent his life doing his best not to live up to his potential.

He's obsessed with serial killers, but really doesn't want to become one. So for his own sake, and the safety of those around him, he lives by rigid rules he's written for himself, practicing normal life as if it were a private religion that could save him from damnation.

Dead bodies are normal to John. He likes them, actually. They don't demand or expect the empathy he's unable to offer. Perhaps that's what gives him the objectivity to recognize that there's something different about the body the police have just found behind the Wash-n-Dry Laundromat---and to appreciate what that difference means.

Now, for the first time, John has to confront a danger outside himself, a threat he can't control, a menace to everything and everyone he would love, if only he could.

Dan Wells's debut novel is the first volume of a trilogy that will keep you awake and then haunt your dreams.

Review

Thoughts on the Overall Book: I picked this book up expecting something akin to I Hunt Killers and…didn't really get that. The synopsis of this book fails to mention the supernatural element so that was a little jarring. Once I got past that though, I was able to enjoy the book more.

Cover--Yea or Nay: It's kind of bland, but I do like it, I think it works for the kind of book this is.

Characters: John Wayne Carver…I'm still a little unsure how I really feel about him. While I was able to sympathize and even relate to Jazz Dent in I Hunt Killers I'm not sure I was totally able to do that with John who is definitely more of a psychopath and rather frightening. Maybe I liked him because of that? I enjoyed reading about him and from his point of view too. It was an interesting perspective to have and I totally applaud the author for being able to get into that character--and just for going there in the first place. I know how scary that can be as an author. So I don't know that I can say I really liked him, but I did like reading about him. It was interesting reading about the other characters from his point of view too. I actually liked his friend Max and Brooke as well. I sort of felt sorry for his mom, but at the same time, I think she could have done more to understand his condition and not just either freak out or pretend nothing is wrong, but I guess that's just human nature. Mr. Crowley was an interesting character. (view spoiler)

The Romance: None. I don't even think I'm going to call a budding romance between John and Brooke yet.

Writing Style: I did love the writing style. As I said before I always applaud authors for going out of their normal comfort zones (or at least I hope they are) and writing characters who go beyond reluctant or anti-heroes to maybe even past dark hero status. To put yourself in the head of a potential serial killer is a feat of skill, especially if you can make it sound accurate which Dan Wells does. And the fact that it's in first person makes it even better, and makes the reader experience some uncomfortable moments.

Accuracy/ Believability: Despite the supernatural element, the psychological depictions of John's character are spot on, and I really appreciate the research the author must have had to do into psychological disorders and serial killers.

Problems/What bothered me: As I mentioned before, my only complaint was that I thought demons were more boring than serial killers. I know there's something wrong with me...

Conclusion: 4 stars. I do look forward to continuing this series. Now that I know what I'm getting into, I think I'll be able to pick up the next book with fresh eyes and enjoy it more without the jarring realization that it's supernatural.

Recommended Audience: Girl or guy read, 17 and up. Fans of I Hunt Killers, who would like to see it crossed with Supernatural would like this. And for the record, it's actually less gritty than I Hunt Killers as well. Even though I think this is classed as 'adult' I would say, at least the first book, reads like YA.

(Read this review with spoilers on Goodreads)

Review: DENTON LITTLE'S DEATHDATE by Lance Rubin

Title/ Author: Denton Little's Deathdate (Denton Little #1) by Lance Rubin
Genre: YA, contemporary
Rating: 3/5 stars
Synopsis: Denton Little's Deathdate takes place in a world exactly like our own except that everyone knows the day they will die. For 17-year-old Denton Little, that's tomorrow, the day of his senior prom.

Despite his early deathdate, Denton has always wanted to live a normal life, but his final days are filled with dramatic firsts. First hangover. First sex. First love triangle (as the first sex seems to have happened not with his adoring girlfriend, but with his best friend's hostile sister. Though he's not totally sure. See: first hangover.) His anxiety builds when he discovers a strange purple rash making its way up his body. Is this what will kill him? And then a strange man shows up at his funeral, claiming to have known Denton's long-deceased mother, and warning him to beware of suspicious government characters…. Suddenly Denton's life is filled with mysterious questions and precious little time to find the answers.

Debut author Lance Rubin takes us on a fast, furious, and outrageously funny ride through the last hours of a teenager's life as he searches for love, meaning, answers, and (just maybe) a way to live on.

Review

Thoughts on the Overall Book: Dark humor, a hearse on the cover--had to check it out. I had a couple complaints about it, but overall, I will admit it was definitely a quirky, and funny read.

Cover--Yea or Nay: Totally yes. That plus the title is what made me pick this book up.

Characters: Denton Little is overall not a bad protagonist. For the most part, he's a pretty nice guy and kind of quirky. The problem I had with him was that he was a little wishy-washy. Maybe he was just a too accurately portrayed teenage boy, but I don't hold the belief that they're all like that either. I would have liked him better if he could have just stuck to liking one girl. Just because he was going to die, didn't give him the right to do that, especially since it was kind of a mistake the first time. But apart from that, I did like him, and his narration was quirky and sarcastic and darkly humorous which is exactly what I expected from this book. I really liked his best friend Paolo, he was funny, typical side-kick kind of guy. I did like Denton's girlfriend Taryn, but I had to feel sorry for her because Denton practically cheated on her. This book had a pretty good cast of supporting characters, I particularly liked Denton's brother Felix and then Phil was a character who was annoying and enjoyable to hate. So it had a fun variety of characters who usually ended up surprising you in some way.

The Romance: This was my main problem with the book. I hate love triangles. And the fact that this one happened more or less by accident, but then Denton didn't do anything about it irked me even more. I really saw no reason his sleeping with Veronica furthered the plot at all, it only caused trouble that didn't really have to do with the story line. And Taryn was trying to be supportive but Denton was making that hard. (view spoiler)

Writing Style: I did like the writing style. It was easy reading, fast-paced and funny. I always appreciate dark humor and making fun of death. Denton made a good narrator. The idea of knowing your death date was really interesting and kind of made a neat twist on normal every day life with the new customs of pre-mortem funerals and self written eulogies. I find this sort of thing hilarious anyway. There were times when the plot got a little on the ridiculous side, like the strange rash Denton develops. It was just a little far fetched, especially when he ended up being totally purple. But I guess this is the kind of book where you just have to go along for the ride. There was a bit more espionage sort of story like to this that I was not expecting. I won't say too much in fear of spoilers but it made for a more interesting story than I thought this would be at the beginning.

Accuracy/ Believability: Not really applicable.

Problems/What bothered me: There was a little too much dirty humor in this book. It's a guy book, and I expect guy humor, yeah, and I can deal with that, but this was a little more graphic than I like usually. Plus the all too casual way the characters slept together bothered me because it just seemed like a 'last night on earth' kind of thing and I get annoyed by that, especially in teen fiction. Particularly since no one seems to have a problem with it, even the parents.

Conclusion: 3 stars. A quick fun read with a surprising cliff-hanger. I'll probably read the next book out of curiosity, but this wasn't really a favorite either.

Recommended Audience: Guy read or girl read ages 18 and up due to content. If you like dark humor or quirky contemporary novels check this out.

(Read this review with spoilers on Goodreads)