Friday, February 24, 2012

Much Ado About Everything: Part One

Part One
The Duel
Narrator: It was a pleasant day, one day, and it just so happened that D’Artagnan took that day to go out and skip along the streets of town with nothing better to do.
D’Artagnan: I never skip.
Narrator: Whatever. Anyway, he was just walking--which sounds so much more boring than skipping-- along the streets of the town when he bumped into a scrawny teenager who was even younger than D’Artagnan himself.
D’Artagnan: Watch where you’re going, you oaf!
Scrawny teenager: You were the one who ran into me! That should have been my line!
D’Artagnan: What’s your name, whelp?
Scrawny teenager: Romeo.
D’Artagnan: Well, Romeo, I challenge you to a duel. Meet me behind the barn at one o’clock.
Romeo: I’ll be there. Don’t think I won’t!
D’Artagnan: Right.
Romeo: Don’t think I won’t!
D’Artagnan: (walking away) Okay.

Romeo: Are you thinking it now?
D’Artagnan: Shut up, Romeo.
Romeo: All right.
Narrator: D’Artagnan goes straight to his friend Athos’ house where he finds that Porthos and Aramis are as well. He goes to sit at the table with them and kicks his feet up on the table.
D’Artagnan: Well, my friends, I have just challenged another poor blighter to a duel.
Everyone groans
Porthos: D’Artagnan, this is your twentieth this week! Do you really expect us to always get up and go be your seconds every time you wish to fight one?
D’Artagnan: Oh come on, Porthos, you know you like to watch me work. I know you always try to pick up pointers from me.
Porthos: Well, I never!! And me being one of the people who taught your sorry hide how to fence! The nerve!
Athos: All right, D’Artagnan, we’ll be there. But this is the last time. I do not exceed my seconding duties over twenty times a week. Who is the chap anyway?
D’Artagnan: Someone called Romeo.
Aramis: Romeo? That little Montague brat who’s starting a family feud like he was from Kentucky?
Athos: Well, D’Artagnan, it seems you have found someone who likes to duel as much as you do! Maybe you two can make a sport of it.
D’Artagnan: Don’t I always? (looks at his watch) Oh dear, it’s almost one o’clock, we have to get going. It always looks so bad to be late to a duel.
Porthos: Hold on, I have to get my gold belt and my best doublet and cologne on.
D’Artagnan: You mean that belt that’s not really all gold and the cologne that smells like horse?

Porthos: Do you want another duel, D’Artagnan? Because I’d come to that one!
Aramis: All right, children, that’s enough of that!
Athos: Quite, we must get D’Artagnan to his duel.
Narrator: They rush to the place where D’Artagnan and Romeo planned to have their duel. When they get there they see Romeo already fighting a whole group of people.
D’Artagnan: Why that little blighter! He’s gone and started fighting without me!
He runs forward as Romeo stabs the guy he’s fighting with. He turns around with a sigh and sweeps the hair from his forehead.
Romeo: Whew! Sorry about that, gentlemen. Just a little family feud I needed to take care of. 
D’Artagnan: You came to duel me, you whelp! You had best get over here so we can be done with it sooner. Then, if you’re still alive, you can go back to your feuding.
Romeo: Fair enough. But I must get away by two, I promised Juliet that I would meet her at the balcony this night.
D’Artagnan: Whatever, just get over here!
Narrator: They prepare to duel and all the spectators watch them with growing anticipation.
Romeo takes a stance and bends his foil, letting it snap back, thus hitting himself in the face.
Romeo: OW!!! 
D’Artagnan: Idiot.
Romeo: You have already maimed me with just the suggestion of dueling! I’m done!
He walks off, leaving D’Artagnan utterly speechless.
D’Artagnan: What...but he...He can’t do that!!!
Porthos: Well, that’s it I guess. Let’s go, gentlemen. You can all come to my house for dinner.
Athos: (cringing) I don’t think so. The last time we came to dinner under your invitation we ended up eating horse!
Porthos: You knew the circumstances of that, but you insist on plaguing me about it! I demand a duel of satisfaction!
Athos: (drawing his sword) All right, you asked for it!
They start fighting and D’Artagnan edges away as Aramis tries to get them to stop.
Aramis: Come on! We’re all friends, let’s not have this!
Narrator: D’Artagnan follows Romeo to the house of Juliet and watches from the shadows as Romeo tries to climb the vines up to her balcony.
Romeo: Stupid greenery, can’t anyone ever leave me a ladder anymore! All the thanks I get! Juliet! Wherefore art thou, my cupcake?!

He’s half way up the vines before Juliet comes to the railing.
Juliet: What do you want now?
Romeo: I have come to visit you, sweet Juliet! (he let’s go with one hand to jester and screams as he falls down)
Juliet: Why?
Romeo: (starting to climb again) Because I thought we were in love!
Juliet: (under her breath) Must have missed that memo.
Romeo: And now I shall climb this fair vegetation to yonder window and make you mine!
Juliet: (holding up a pair of hedge trimmers) You want to run that by me again?
Romeo: What’s wrong? I thought we were in love!
Juliet: You killed my cousin and I have a feeling that I’ll be dead before too long if I stay around you. I’m dumping you.
Romeo: But, my love, I...
Juliet cuts the vines and Romeo falls down with a scream, landing on the ground.
Romeo: But Juliet! We were in love!
Juliet: Shut up, Romeo!
Romeo: All right.
He gets up and sulks away.
Juliet: Serves him right.
D’Artagnan: (stepping out from the shadows) My lady, if I may?
Juliet: Oh, how nice, a handsome Musketeer. Come on up and have tea with me!
D’Artagnan: If you wish it, my lady.
Narrator: D’Artagnan scales the wall with no trouble as Romeo watches sulkingly from the shadows.
Romeo: Thinks he’s so great. I’ll show him one of these days! (shouts) Don’t think I won’t!

Narrator: All right.
Romeo: Are you thinking it now?
Narrator: No.
Romeo: I mean it, don’t think it!
Narrator: Shut up, Romeo!
Romeo: Okay.
End of Part One


  1. This is such a hilarious play. Everybody has got to read this!!!

  2. Thank you ;) I'm glad you find my humor humorous :P