Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Much Ado About Everything: Part Two

I hope you are all enjoying this insanity. Do tell me truthfully what you think ;-) Also as a note, don't try to read this from Goodreads because it messes up the whole format and is all a complete mash of words which makes it very confusing. I can't fix that, so I'm sorry. Just read it here on my blog =)

Part Two
Of Tyrants and Lunatics
Narrator: Meanwhile, over in Scotland, King MacBeth is getting his house ready for company.
MacBeth: All you servants better hurry. King Edward and his wife are coming soon for tea. 
Narrator: Lady MacBeth is in the kitchen making a special soufflé for the tea. MacBeth comes in to see how she’s doing.
MacBeth: Get that soufflé out of the oven, woman, our company is coming!
Lady MacBeth: It’s not done yet! Now leave before you flatten it with your big oafish feet!
MacBeth: Yes ma’am.
Lady MacBeth takes the soufflé out of the oven and suddenly the door slams open and a guard comes in.
Guard: King MacBeth! King Edward approacheth!
The soufflé Lady MacBeth takes out of the oven deflates immediately.
Lady MacBeth: You FOOL!! You ruined my soufflé! I’ll have you hung from the wall top!!!!
Guard: Yes, Milady.
MacBeth: Sorry about your soufflé, dear, but now I have to go meet my friend.
Narrator: Quickly, MacBeth skips away and goes to the front gate where he is to meet King Edward and his queen.
MacBeth: I don’t skip!
Narrator: Whatever.
MacBeth opens the door for King Edward and grins.
MacBeth: Edward! It’s been a long time! Hey! We’re wearing the same t-shirt!
Longshanks:(annoyed) I see that. Where did you get that “Tyrant King” t-shirt? I thought I was the only one who had it!
Longshanks’ wife: Oh, let’s not fight. Look I brought you a present! (she holds up a potted plant)
MacBeth: PLANT!!!!! (screams like a girl and runs into the castle)
Lady MacBeth comes up to the surprised guests.
Lady MacBeth: Don’t mind him, he has a phobia to plants ever since he went to see the witches.
Longshanks: Oh, I see.
Narrator: They all go into the dining room where tea is set up and they start pouring and eating.
Longshanks: So, MacBeth, what kind of tyrant things have you been doing lately to merit that Tyrant King t-shirt?
MacBeth: Oh, you know, kicking innocent people from their land, killing people for no better reason than my own gain, the usual.
Longshanks: Right.
MacBeth: How is your hunt for William Wallace going?
Longshanks: Don’t ask.
MacBeth: Sorry. You know, you should go see the witches. They always make me feel so much better. Like I can take on the world.
Longshanks: Except the plants?
MacBeth: (glaring) They told me to avoid them. I am only taking their advice.
Longshanks immediately looks behind him.
Longshanks: Is there someone blowing on my neck?
MacBeth: (sighing) Duncan! I told you to GET LOST!!!
A man appears beside Longshanks’ chair and Longshanks screams and jumps into his wife’s lap.
Longshanks: A GHOST!!!
Duncan: (rolling his eyes) Yes. I’m a ghost, haven't you seen one before? I mean, we’re all over the place, you know! No thanks to him!!! (points to MacBeth)
MacBeth: (pointing to his wife) She told me to!!
Lady MacBeth: Oh, be quite! You know that if it weren’t for me, you would never be king right now.
Duncan: Yes, you would still be Thane of Cawdor like you were supposed to be. But, no, you had to go see the witches! And then you had to go and tell your wife and she had to go and tell you to murder me! You’ll be cursed, MacBeth!
MacBeth: (snorting) Like I haven’t heard that one before!
Narrator: Suddenly, they hear a banging at the door and yelling from the men. MacBeth stands up to see what all the racket is about.
MacBeth: (going to the door) What is all that racket about!
The door opens and Malcolm comes in, carrying a tree branch.
Malcolm: Guess what, MacBeth! Your day of reckoning is finally here! (hold the branch out and shakes it in MacBeth’s face) Shaky shaky!!!
MacBeth: TREEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (he runs to the wall and crashes through the window.)
Malcolm: Well that takes care of that. I’ll be leaving now. (walks out then come back in with McDuff) Oh, yah, I forgot, I’m supposed to be king now. So, you have to leave.
Lady MacBeth: (standing up) well, I never!!!!
Malcolm: (sniffs) Is something burning?
Lady MacBeth: (gasps and claps her hands to her mouth) My spinach puffs! (she runs out of the room)
Malcolm: (shaking his branch) Any other objections?
Longshanks: (standing up) Not at this moment. You will get my formal objections mailed to you once I get back to London. Good day. (he leaves and drags his wife away with him.)
Longshanks’ wife: But, I’m supposed to go shopping with Lady MacBeth!
Malcolm: Good, take her out so she’ll be out of my way.
Duncan: Good to see you Malcolm!
Malcolm: You too, Duncan! Give me a hug!
Duncan motions to himself.
Malcolm: Oh, yah. High five?
Duncan: Ummm...
Malcolm: Never mind.
Narrator: And I think that just about wraps up Part Two.
End of Part Two

Friday, February 24, 2012

Much Ado About Everything: Part One

Part One
The Duel
Narrator: It was a pleasant day, one day, and it just so happened that D’Artagnan took that day to go out and skip along the streets of town with nothing better to do.
D’Artagnan: I never skip.
Narrator: Whatever. Anyway, he was just walking--which sounds so much more boring than skipping-- along the streets of the town when he bumped into a scrawny teenager who was even younger than D’Artagnan himself.
D’Artagnan: Watch where you’re going, you oaf!
Scrawny teenager: You were the one who ran into me! That should have been my line!
D’Artagnan: What’s your name, whelp?
Scrawny teenager: Romeo.
D’Artagnan: Well, Romeo, I challenge you to a duel. Meet me behind the barn at one o’clock.
Romeo: I’ll be there. Don’t think I won’t!
D’Artagnan: Right.
Romeo: Don’t think I won’t!
D’Artagnan: (walking away) Okay.

Romeo: Are you thinking it now?
D’Artagnan: Shut up, Romeo.
Romeo: All right.
Narrator: D’Artagnan goes straight to his friend Athos’ house where he finds that Porthos and Aramis are as well. He goes to sit at the table with them and kicks his feet up on the table.
D’Artagnan: Well, my friends, I have just challenged another poor blighter to a duel.
Everyone groans
Porthos: D’Artagnan, this is your twentieth this week! Do you really expect us to always get up and go be your seconds every time you wish to fight one?
D’Artagnan: Oh come on, Porthos, you know you like to watch me work. I know you always try to pick up pointers from me.
Porthos: Well, I never!! And me being one of the people who taught your sorry hide how to fence! The nerve!
Athos: All right, D’Artagnan, we’ll be there. But this is the last time. I do not exceed my seconding duties over twenty times a week. Who is the chap anyway?
D’Artagnan: Someone called Romeo.
Aramis: Romeo? That little Montague brat who’s starting a family feud like he was from Kentucky?
Athos: Well, D’Artagnan, it seems you have found someone who likes to duel as much as you do! Maybe you two can make a sport of it.
D’Artagnan: Don’t I always? (looks at his watch) Oh dear, it’s almost one o’clock, we have to get going. It always looks so bad to be late to a duel.
Porthos: Hold on, I have to get my gold belt and my best doublet and cologne on.
D’Artagnan: You mean that belt that’s not really all gold and the cologne that smells like horse?

Porthos: Do you want another duel, D’Artagnan? Because I’d come to that one!
Aramis: All right, children, that’s enough of that!
Athos: Quite, we must get D’Artagnan to his duel.
Narrator: They rush to the place where D’Artagnan and Romeo planned to have their duel. When they get there they see Romeo already fighting a whole group of people.
D’Artagnan: Why that little blighter! He’s gone and started fighting without me!
He runs forward as Romeo stabs the guy he’s fighting with. He turns around with a sigh and sweeps the hair from his forehead.
Romeo: Whew! Sorry about that, gentlemen. Just a little family feud I needed to take care of. 
D’Artagnan: You came to duel me, you whelp! You had best get over here so we can be done with it sooner. Then, if you’re still alive, you can go back to your feuding.
Romeo: Fair enough. But I must get away by two, I promised Juliet that I would meet her at the balcony this night.
D’Artagnan: Whatever, just get over here!
Narrator: They prepare to duel and all the spectators watch them with growing anticipation.
Romeo takes a stance and bends his foil, letting it snap back, thus hitting himself in the face.
Romeo: OW!!! 
D’Artagnan: Idiot.
Romeo: You have already maimed me with just the suggestion of dueling! I’m done!
He walks off, leaving D’Artagnan utterly speechless.
D’Artagnan: What...but he...He can’t do that!!!
Porthos: Well, that’s it I guess. Let’s go, gentlemen. You can all come to my house for dinner.
Athos: (cringing) I don’t think so. The last time we came to dinner under your invitation we ended up eating horse!
Porthos: You knew the circumstances of that, but you insist on plaguing me about it! I demand a duel of satisfaction!
Athos: (drawing his sword) All right, you asked for it!
They start fighting and D’Artagnan edges away as Aramis tries to get them to stop.
Aramis: Come on! We’re all friends, let’s not have this!
Narrator: D’Artagnan follows Romeo to the house of Juliet and watches from the shadows as Romeo tries to climb the vines up to her balcony.
Romeo: Stupid greenery, can’t anyone ever leave me a ladder anymore! All the thanks I get! Juliet! Wherefore art thou, my cupcake?!

He’s half way up the vines before Juliet comes to the railing.
Juliet: What do you want now?
Romeo: I have come to visit you, sweet Juliet! (he let’s go with one hand to jester and screams as he falls down)
Juliet: Why?
Romeo: (starting to climb again) Because I thought we were in love!
Juliet: (under her breath) Must have missed that memo.
Romeo: And now I shall climb this fair vegetation to yonder window and make you mine!
Juliet: (holding up a pair of hedge trimmers) You want to run that by me again?
Romeo: What’s wrong? I thought we were in love!
Juliet: You killed my cousin and I have a feeling that I’ll be dead before too long if I stay around you. I’m dumping you.
Romeo: But, my love, I...
Juliet cuts the vines and Romeo falls down with a scream, landing on the ground.
Romeo: But Juliet! We were in love!
Juliet: Shut up, Romeo!
Romeo: All right.
He gets up and sulks away.
Juliet: Serves him right.
D’Artagnan: (stepping out from the shadows) My lady, if I may?
Juliet: Oh, how nice, a handsome Musketeer. Come on up and have tea with me!
D’Artagnan: If you wish it, my lady.
Narrator: D’Artagnan scales the wall with no trouble as Romeo watches sulkingly from the shadows.
Romeo: Thinks he’s so great. I’ll show him one of these days! (shouts) Don’t think I won’t!

Narrator: All right.
Romeo: Are you thinking it now?
Narrator: No.
Romeo: I mean it, don’t think it!
Narrator: Shut up, Romeo!
Romeo: Okay.
End of Part One

Much Ado About Everything: An Explanation and the Introduction

All right, so I said that I would be posting this play that I wrote a while ago for your amusement. Let me explain it to you first so you don't think I'm completely insane:

I love writing parody plays/stories and this one came to me a while ago when I saw all those alternate classics where they mashed vampires with Jane Austin. So I decided to take that idea and spoof it even farther, deciding to write about and that is this play which is called "Much Ado About Everything"--and that's my salute to the brilliant William Shakespeare!

I'm not going to say too much in fear of giving anything away, but below is the cast of characters you will see in this play; all of them are from classic books, or at least famous books or plays, poems and even epics with several historical people thrown in. I hope this cast list might help you and I hope you enjoy the insanity which is this play!

Slainte, Hazel

Cast of Characters
The Narrator--The Narrator
The Three Musketeers:
D’Artagnan--youngest out of the four (not really a musketeer) A Gascon and a hot head (but good with the ladies)
Athos--A Musketeer who likes good food and wine and doesn’t trust women because he was betrayed by one
Porthos--A Musketeer who likes finery, food, and ladies.
Aramis--A Musketeer who really wants to be a priest, but also wants to be a musketeer. He’s fond of handkerchiefs.
Romeo and Juliet:
Romeo--A young feuder who likes to duel and has practically no sense of romance whatsoever.
Juliet--Romeo’s love interest and not much more
MacBeth--A tyrant king
Lady MacBeth--A tyrant queen
Duncan--Was the king, is now a ghost
Malcolm--The guy who became king after he killed MacBeth
MacDuff--The guy who told Malcolm he should be king
Historical People
King Edward Longshanks--Edward I of England. No good tyrant (historical figure) Famous for fighting with William Wallace
His Wife--His wife (historical figure)
Robin Hood--Archer. Do I really need to explain who Robin Hood is?
William Tell--The man known for shooting apples off people’s heads. Swiss
Little John--Robin Hood’s companion. Is actually big
Prince John--Richard the Lion Heart’s little brother. Tried to take the throne and failed (historical and literary figure)
Eddie--Edward II. Longshanks’ good for nothing son. (historical figure) Agatha Christie:
Hurcule Poirot--The little Belgium detective with the distinct mustache
Captain Hastings--His faithful partner (also known as “Battla’” in reference to the Battle of Hastings)
Hamlet--The man himself (Prince of Denmark) has some serious ghost problems.
Yorik--Skull and ghost eating poptarts in this play
Beowulf--Epic hero known for fighting monsters, owns the famous sword, Hrunting
Wilfred of Ivanhoe--Known as Ivanhoe mostly. A knight. Loves the fair Lady Rowena
Athelstan--Lazy son of a Saxon lord named Cedric. Likes to eat. Rowena’s cousin (or something)
Brian de Bois-Guilbert--Norman knight and templar. Full of himself. Loves another girl named Rebecca
Maurice DeBracy--Brian’s friend. Likes fancy clothes
Horatio Hornblower:
Horatio--The captain of the Hotspur
Styles--His steward who worked in a prison kitchen three months for free
Mr. Bush--Horatio’s first Lt. Thinks--knows--Styles is a fraud
Wuthering Heights:
Heathcliff--That wild gypsy moor-dweller who doesn’t know how to function in society
The Sacketts (Louis L’Amour):
William Tell Sackett--Everyone’s favorite Sackett (mine’s actually Flagan) shoots apples
Nolan Sackett--From the Clinch Mountain variety. An outlaw
Lando--(Orlando) Son of a pirate. Loves to box
The Tinker--A Tinker. A Gypsy. Honorary Sackett. Loves his knives but won’t share them
And all the rest of them (except the nameless one who got eaten) and there’s a good few 
Epic of Gilgamesh:
Enkidu--Gilgamesh’s friend. Is also known for getting rid of monsters such as the giant bull.

Much Ado About Everything
A Play by Hazel West
Narrator: Good day, fellows one and all. I am here to tell you a story that has never been told before. One that is full of tragedy, angst, true love, fighting, treachery, absolutely no comedy, and did I mention a lot of bloody battle scenes? This is a tale that has been lost for centuries and I am here to tell it to you today...
D’Artagnan comes up and puts his sword to the Narrator’s throat.
D’Artagnan: We all know you’re lying, so you had best just skip to the good part.
Narrator: But they have to know about the story before we can tell it. This is called an introduction for a reason! I...
D’Artagnan presses his sword harder and gives the Narrator a meaningful look.
Narrator: All right. We’ll go to Part One then. Now please put that sword away. You must get ready for your part!
D’Artagnan: Oh, right. (Sheathes his sword and walks away)
Narrator: As I was saying, this is a play about tragedy, angst...
Athos, Porthos and Aramis all have their swords to his throat.
Athos: You were saying?
Narrator: Oh, all right. I’ll just skip the introduction.
Athos: (sheathing his sword) Good.
They walk off and Narrator turns back to the audience.
Narrator: All right, I guess that means we are moving to Part One. Please enjoy the play!

I'll be posting the first part soon so keep an eye out for it!

Next Part