Romeo and His Friends
Narrator: Back in France, Romeo hears about how D’Artagnan and his friends have gone to England to settle something. He is very angry because he wanted to have another chance to duel D’Artagnan, but by the time he worked up enough gumption to do it, the Musketeer was already gone.
Romeo: This always happens to me. All my plans go awry! (shouting) Is the whole world against me???!!!
Carriage runs down the street and splashes muddy water all over him
Romeo: (spluttering) I take that as a yes.
Voice: Don’t feel bad. It happens to a lot of us.
Romeo: (looking around) Who’s that? Is it you, my imaginary friend, Egbert?
Voice: No, it’s Prince John.
Romeo: Oh, yes, I’ve heard of you. You got kicked off your throne when your brother came back even though you tried to capture him and keep him locked up for all eternity.
Prince John: (sniffs and wipes his eyes on a handkerchief) Yes. It was horrible. All my wonderful plans ruined! (starts weeping)
Romeo: It’s all right, we can set everything to rights. A Musketeer just stole my girl today.
Prince John: They do that a lot.
Romeo: So I was thinking of going to England where he is at the moment and demand satisfaction.
Prince John: Good for you! I’ll go with you. I hate traveling alone, but I have been wanting to get back at my brother forever! Richard was always the good child. (sticks his tongue out)
Romeo: Well, let’s go then.
Prince John: Hold on, I have another friend we can bring. His name is Eddie II and he’s here supposed to be fighting a war his father made him fight, but he doesn’t like it, so he’s going to leave his men here and head back to England for his birthday party.
Romeo: Oh, all right! Let’s go get him. The next boat over leaves in an hour.
Narrator: After they go get Eddie and pack their bags, they board the ship and are on their way over to England for Romeo and Prince John to settle their debts, and for Eddie to celebrate his birthday party. What are you anyway, fourteen?
Eddie: (indigently) I’m eighteen!
Narrator: Right. Anyway, once they get over to the port they jump on the first ship they can find. It just so happens to be the Hotspur, captained by Captain Horatio Hornblower.
Eddie: This is a small little ship! I want something bigger! (pouts)
Horatio: You shouldn’t judge a ship by the number of it’s crew but by the quality of it’s men.
Eddie: Whatever. Just get to England.
Horatio: All right.
Narrator: When they finally got across the French Channel...
Narrator: (sighing) Whatever. When they finally got across that waterway between France and England, and landed on the shore, they kissed the ground in joy.
Romeo: Ah, sweet terra ferma wherefore art thou?!!
Prince John: All I want is some good food. That steward can’t cook!
Eddie: I know. Come on, let’s go to my castle. We can get food there.
Narrator: So they head for London, only to find that Eddie II is no longer allowed there.
Longshanks: You abandoned my war!! The one I trusted to you while I was chasing that rebel Wallace. You are grounded for a year!!!
Eddie: (smiling) Oh good, that will give me a chance to read all my French fashion magazines!!
Longshanks: Not so. You’re grounded....out there! (points to the outside)
Eddie gasps and faints.
Longshanks: As for you two...(turns to Romeo and Prince John) Beat it! I have a formal objection letter to write.
Prince John and Romeo: Yes sir.
They pick Eddie up and carry him off out into the moorland.
Narrator: They walk for a while until they finally have to sit down.
Eddie: Oh, I can’t walk anymore! This is so tiring!
Romeo: (scowling) you have nothing to say! I’ve been carrying you on my back the whole way! You need to walk now! Just because you’re a prince doesn’t mean you can use me as a slave!!
Eddie: (sulking) Oh, all right!
Prince John: I know where we can go! We can go visit King MacBeth. He always was nice to me. He may even feed us. Just don’t say anything about ruling, otherwise he might kill you. Or his wife might.
Romeo: (gulping) not sure I want to go there.
Eddie: Oh, it’s fine, MacBeth is just a misunderstood oaf. It’s his wife who’s evil.
Romeo: All right, well, let’s go, I’m starving!!
Narrator: They start off across the moor until they get a really creepy feeling that someone it watching them.
Romeo: Does anyone feel like someone is watching them?
Prince John: Kinda.
Narrator: Suddenly a fiendish creature jumps out at them with crazy eyes.
Prince John: What is THAT???!!!
Fiendish creature: My name it Heathcliff. You’re trespassing on my territory.
Eddie: This is moorland, it belongs to no one, but outlaws and highwaymen. You’re not one of them, are you?
Heathcliff: No. (prances around) I’m a fairy/demon/moor-dweller and I’m NOT a vampire!
Romeo: (inching away) Okay.
Heathcliff: (jumping at them with a snarl) Now leave!!! I don’t want you here!
Prince John: Are you sure he’s not a vampire?
Eddie: (pulling a box from his pack) No, my Vampiro-Meter is not saying he is.
Romeo: What’s that?
Eddie: It’s my vampire detecting and eliminating kit. You need them these days with all these vampire outbreaks.
Prince John: Maybe it’s broken, here let me see it.
He takes the Meter and pokes Heathcliff with it. He jumps back.
Heathcliff: Don’t touch me with that thing!
Then he looks up at something and screams.
Heathcliff: The bird men are coming!! Bird men! Bird men are coming!!
He runs away across the moor. Everyone looks at each other weirdly.
Eddie: (snatching the Vampiro-Meter away from Prince John) Give me that back, we may need it before long.
Prince John: All right, let’s get to MacBeth’s castle. It’s in the woods somewhere.
Narrator: So they start off again and soon they come to MacBeth’s castle, but it is not at all the way Prince John remembered it.
Prince John: What happened here? It used to be so green. Now there isn’t a plant for miles around! It’s all a huge circle of dirt!
Eddie: Maybe he’s going into agriculture.
Romeo: Whatever he’s doing, I don’t care, I’m starving!
They cross the barren landscape when a muddy crazed figure springs out of the ground in front of them.
Eddie: I wish everyone would stop doing that!!
Prince John: It’s MacBeth! Hi MacBeth!!
MacBeth: Did any of you bring any plants with you???
MacBeth: Are you sure???
Prince John: Yes, I’m sure.
MacBeth: What is THAT!!!!????
He points to a piece of grass in Eddie’s hair, finger shaking.
MacBeth: Take it out and go to the edge of the dirt and drop it...very carefully.
He goes to the very edge until no one can see his and bends over.
Eddie: (voice from far away) Good???
MacBeth: Yes, you can come back now.
Everyone waits impatiently for Eddie to come back and then when he does, Prince John turns to MacBeth
Prince John: All right, can we come into the castle now and get something to eat? We’re starving!!
MacBeth: Sorry, no can do.
Eddie: Why not???!!
MacBeth: (shuffling his feet) it’s not my castle anymore. Malcolm came and took it over. He’s king now.
Eddie: All right, I’ll settle this matter.
He marches to the door and bangs on it.
Eddie: Open up in the name of the Prince of Wales!!!
MacDuff opens the door.
MacDuff: What do you want?
MacDuff: You friend of MacBeth?
Eddie: Yes... got a problem with that?
MacDuff: Yes. Go away.
He shuts the door in Eddie’s face.
Eddie: Well, I never!!!
Prince John: Come on, let’s go. We can get Romeo to kill us something in the woods.
Romeo: Why me?
Prince John: Because you’re the only one who’s not a prince!
Romeo: But I’ve never hunted in my life!
Eddie: Too bad, dig roots and berries then.
Narrator: They head off across the barren ground again and after a very very very long time, reach the forest.
Prince John: All right, now we can start looking for food.
Narrator: Suddenly, they hear the sound of arguing.
Voice 1: Come on, you know I’m the best archer, but you just won’t admit it!
Voice 2: No such thing! I will not admit anything until I actually see you shoot!
Romeo: Listen! People! Let’s see if they have food to share!!
Eddie: Good idea!!
They go to where the voices are coming from and find Robin Hood and William Tell still standing in the clearing arguing.
Romeo: How now, strangers! Will you spare some food for weary travelers?
Robin and the others turn around.
Robin: (laughing) Weary travelers? Yeah right. I would know you anywhere, Johnny!
Prince: Oh, no! It’s Robin Hood. Let’s get out of here! We won’t get any hospitality from him!!!
William: Just a minute, Robin. We could use them.
Robin: What do you mean?
William: (turning to the others) You wanted something to eat?
Prince John, Eddie and Romeo: Yes!
William: Do you like apples?
Robin: Ah, I see what you mean now! (evil grin)
Narrator: They take the three and tie them to trees where they set apples on their heads.
Robin: All right, Little John, you say when to go.
Little John: All right. Ready the bows. One...two...three. Fire!!!
They both fire and spear the apples on Eddie’s and Prince John’s heads.
Romeo: Hey, what about me??
William: You want some too? All right.
Romeo: No, I mean...
Robin and William both shoot the apple on Romeo’s head and he passes out.
Robin: (turning to William with a smile and shaking his hand) Well, William Tell, I take back all I said. You really are a good archer. How about we make an apple pie?
Little John: I love apple pie!
Eddie: Me too!
Robin: Too bad, you three are going on your way. You will not find food here.
Prince John: Told you so.
Romeo and Eddie stick their tongues out at him. Robin and William walk off together talking companionably.
Narrator: Now I think it is time we head back to see how our vampire slayers are doing.
End of Part Five