Trouble With Vampires
Narrator: Back in France, D’Artagnan has finished tea with Juliet and has gone back to find his friends.
Athos and Porthos are tattered and bandaged and are still arguing.
Athos: You do realize that this is still not the end of the matter. The only way you can fix that is to make us all a proper dinner with your own hands.
Porthos: You know I can’t cook!
Athos: I don’t care if it tastes like cardboard as long as it’s not horse! Oh, and as long as you have good wine.
Porthos: When have I ever not had good wine, Athos?!
Athos: Well, no time I can remember at the moment, but I’ll think about it.
Aramis: Oh for goodness sake! Do you two want to kill each other?!
Athos: Do we have to answer that question?
Athos looks up and sees D’Artagnan.
Athos: D’Artagnan! Where have you been? We just got a message. We are needed in England immediately! They are having problems there.
D’Artagnan: Of what kind?
Porthos: They will not tell us. They expect us to go over there and see it before we decide not to.
D’Artagnan: All right. Let’s go.
Narrator: So they cross the English Channel....
Everyone: The FRENCH Channel!!!
Narrator: Whatever. Anyway, so they go across that waterway between England and France and then once they get to the other side, they went to the castle they were summoned to.
D’Artagnan: Sooo...what do we do now?
Athos: I have no idea.
Narrator: Suddenly, the door to the castle opens and out comes Poirot and Captain Hastings.
Poirot: Ah! So the Musketeers have arrived! Bon.
D’Artagnan: Sooo...what is this all about?
Hastings: Oh, you mean you haven’t heard? It’s about vampires!
Athos: Oh no! Not the vampires!
Poirot: I am afraid it is only too true. I did not believe it myself, until now.
D’Artagnan: Well, what are we going to do about it?
Athos: Fight them of course! This has gone on long enough!
D’Artagnan: That sounds good to me! Let’s go see what’s happening.
Porthos: (to Hastings) Hi Battla’.
Hastings: Don’t call me that!
They come into the great hall of the castle and see Hamlet sitting there, holding a skull in his hand and looking at it contemplatively.
Hamlet: Ah, Bob, I knew him well.
Athos: (walking over to him) Hello, what’s with you?
Hamlet: (standing up and throwing the skull on the ground) All my friends were eaten by vampires. There are more ghosts around here than anyone could imagine! (Turns around and addresses the air.) Hi Bob.
Poirot: As you can see, we have the problems most great.
Athos: I see that. I knew it would come to this eventually.
Hastings: Come to what?
Athos: To fighting the vampires.
Hastings: Oh. Right.
Hamlet: Can you get rid of the vampires?
Athos: Us? Are you kidding? We’re just Musketeers. We’re only good at fighting the Cardinal’s men and getting into illegal duels. We don’t deal with vampires. But I know who can.
Porthos: Who? Robin Hood?
Porthos: Oh, William Wallace!
Porthos: William Tell?
Porthos: William Shakespeare?
Athos: I’ll give you a hint. It’s not a William!
Porthos: (thinking) Um...Mark Anthony?
Porthos: The Sacketts?
Athos: Not even close.
Athos: (sighing) No.
Athos: Not likely.
Porthos: The werwolves?
Athos: Not a chance.
Porthos: Edward Cullen?
Athos: NO!!!! The only person I know who can take care of monsters like they were chaff is Beowulf!
Hastings: I say.
Hamlet: Well, how does he get here then?
Narrator: Just then there is a knock at the door.
Hamlet: (going to the door) That must be him!
He opens the door and peeks his head out.
Beowulf: Hello, did someone call?
Hamlet: You must be Beowulf! Come in.
Beowulf: I heard there were monsters around. I came to take care of the problem.
Athos: Delightful! Yes, we have some problems with vampires.
Beowulf: Never killed vampires before. But it can’t be any worse than giant swamp monsters or dragons. I’ll give it a go. Where are they?
Hamlet: They have surrounded my castle. But they won’t be here until it gets dark.
Beowulf: Good, that gives us time to prepare. Now, I think I’ll just call in some back up in that time. After that we can have a good dinner. It never does to fight vampires on an empty stomach.
Athos: (turning to Porthos) I think it’s time to make well your promise of dinner.
Porthos: Me? Cook? I’ll do no such thing! I forgot my lackey!
Athos: Too bad. Get to it. You know no woman will ever want you if you can’t even take care of yourself.
Porthos: Oh, All right! (stalks off)
Narrator: He goes to the kitchen anyway and starts making the dinner.
Porthos pokes around, opening cupboards and taking various items out of them and throwing them into a pot.
Porthos: (muttering) Me? Cook? I am a Musketeer! I do not cook, and I should not have to do anything for women to like me. What is there not to like?
He opens another cupboard and tons of poptart boxes fall on him.
Porthos: Poptarts? What it with all this?
Hamlet: That’s what I’ve been living on. I can’t go to the store because of the vampires. Yorik! Get out of there!
Porthos looks up and sees a ghost sitting in the cupboard eating poptarts.
Porthos: I didn’t even know ghosts could eat.
Hamlet: Well, poptarts aren't really food sooo...
Porthos: Whatever, just leave so I can cook!
Hamlet: All right.
Narrator: After Beowulf calls in the reinforcements, they all sit down to a dinner, waiting for their help to arrive.
Hamlet picks at his food delicately, trying to figure out what it is. Athos takes a tentative bite and his eyes widen. D’Artagnan slips some of the food off his plate to a ghost dog while Porthos is not looking.
Poirot: (looking at two eggs he’s eating because he refused to eat anything else) I cannot eat these eggs.
Hamlet: Why not?
Poirot: They are not the same size.
Narrator: Just then there is a knock on the door.
Beowulf: Ah, that must be my friends now!
Narrator: Beowulf gets up to open the door and brings back Ivanhoe, Bois-Guilbert, DeBracy and Athelstan.
Beowulf: Meet my friends! They can do all kinds of things!
Athelstan: Don’t get too excited, I already made it clear that I fight tomorrow. Not today. I am not very skilled in fighting vampires. I only came for the free meal. (sniffs slightly) For what it is, anyway.
Ivanhoe: Don’t mind him, you know he’s always like that. So, what have you been doing lately, Beowulf?
Beowulf: Oh, just hiring myself out as a monster exterminator. It pays really well, you know. How about you Wilfred?
Ivanhoe: Oh, you know, the usual. Fighting jousts for fair ladies. It’s going to get me into trouble someday.
Bois-Guilbert: You bet it is! I can’t believe all the girls like you so much. I mean look at me? Am I not dashing?
Bois-Guilbert: Oh, fine, have it your way!
Athelstan: Ugh! Someone put too much garlic in the pottage!
Porthos: (standing up and throwing his apron on the table) That’s it! I quit! I’m done with all this pocking and prodding and complaining about my food! And D’Artagnan, STOP FEEDING IT TO THE GHOST DOG!!!!
D’Artagnan: (looking up quickly) Sorry, he likes it!
Beowulf: Well, that was a hearty meal, though rather tasteless. Now we have to get to work. I have my magic sword and unbreakable shield. What do you have?
Narrator: They all produce various weaponry.
Athelstan: Well, I think we all have sufficient garlic in our systems as well after that pottage. No vampire in his right mind would eat us.
D’Artagnan: Good thinking! (shovels the rest of Porthos’s pottage into his mouth while the ghost dog looks up at him sadly.)
Beowulf: But of course, what we really need is a good stake. Because that’s really the only way to kill a vampire.
Bois-Guilbert: Well, you could have told us that before we decided to bring pounds of other weaponry.
Poirot: (standing up) Well, Hastings, I think it is time for us to leave. Our work here is done.
Hastings: Right. Leave it to the professionals. Good luck chaps.
Athelstan: (shorting) There are far too many Frenchmen here.
Poirot: I am Belgium.
Athelstan: Well, excuse me.
Hamlet: Let’s go the the broom closet and see if there are any stakes there.
They all go to the closet and when they open it, a skull falls out and Hamlet picks it up.
Hamlet: Ah, Yorik, I...
Athos slaps the skull out of his hand.
Athos: That’s enough of that. We have vampires to fight!
Beowulf: That’s right. (breaks a broom stick in his bare hands and hands the pieces to everyone) There. Stakes. You know you have to go for the heart right?
D’Artagnan: Of course, what do you think we are, illiterate?
DeBracy: (looking down at himself) Um, does anyone have any other shoes. I can’t wear these court shoes. They are my best ones.
Beowulf: (sighing) Well, if you knew you were fighting vampires, why did you wear them?
DeBracy: No one told me! Bois-Guilbert just drug me along. I was supposed to go on a date tonight!
Ivanhoe: With who?
Ivanhoe: (drawing his sword) Why you!
Athos: (holding Ivanhoe back) Time for that later! Right now we have vampires to fight!
DeBracy: But my hair! I got it curled and arraigned perfectly!
Beowulf reaches out and messes up DeBracy’s hair.
Beowulf: There, now you don’t have to worry about it. (then he picks him up and pulls off his shoes) And you won’t need those either. (He throws them away and they hit Porthos)
Porthos: OW! Hey. Woah, those smell!
DeBracy: You’ll pay for that...!
Beowulf: (stopping them and listening) No time for that now! I hear the vampires coming! We have to be ready!
Narrator: They all go to the door and stand around with their stakes and swords mainly for show because they won’t really do anything to vampires. They come closer, the companions can smell their foul breath! They knock on the door....!
Sound of vampires pounding on the door.
Beowulf: Stand and Deliver!!!!
Narrator: And now we end Part Three.
End of Part Three